Where + Ware

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? — Or, things you might have said to Eve had she tricked you into eating the apple –

There are a few things that you might be tempted to say, if you had the chance, (especially if you’re a fly on a wall in the proverbial “Garden of Eden”).

Speaking of flies, here are some choice lines you wish Adam might have told Eve before chomping into that fateful apple on what appears to have been another perfectly twee day in paradise.

– I don’t do “bobbing for apples”!

– Let’s share the guilt.

– You know I hate “Little green apples in the summertime”, so play something else!

– Before we get down to business — when was your last dental check-up?

– Not now, I’m busy killing the bugs, worms, and Trojan Horses in my frigging PC.

– I can’t imagine why you think I’d want to read your new diet book, “How to Be Happy on 500 Calories or Less a Day - Lessons From A Tart With A Heart”.

– If eating an apple a day keeps the doctor away, I wonder if eating a hippo will keep the taxman off our backs?

– Maybe Martha Stewart can send us her favorite applesauce recipe from the slammer.

– I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “Johnny Appleseed” doesn’t live here!

– If an apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, would you mind picking it up because my back’s killing me.

– My interior decorator says “apples and oranges don’t mix” - so how about a putrid pink grapefruit with a splash of yucky lime?

– If money grows on trees, how come all we get are a bunch of rotten apple investment certificates?

– Let me get this straight, if I bite into that apple, I can play “Devil’s Advocate” for a day?

– I’m tired of being “touched by an angel”, can we try something spooky for a change?

– If I’d wanted to play “snakes and ladders”, I’d have married a social-climbing serpent!

– Wow, it’s another episode of “Desperate Housewives in Paradise” — do you mind if I sit down and watch?

– Okay honeybun, where’d you put my “Get Out of Jail Free Card” anyway?

– Look at it this way, if God had wanted me to bite into that apple, he wouldn’t have given me dentures!

– I don’t polish apples for anyone, and that includes you!

– Why don’t you put that apple on your head, while I find my plucky bow and trusty arrow.

– What could be more rewarding than biting a few biscuits, dust bunnies, or speeding bullets?

– Perhaps you could read one more chapter from my favorite pillow book, “The Boo Hoo Bible: The Neo American Church Catechism” by Art Kleps — before we retire for the night.

– Listen, being President of a meat-eating country means you don’t have to eat broccoli, sprouts or apples for that matter!

– Hey, I know Popeye eats spinach to make him big and strong, but are you sure that munching on bag of apples will make me a Wicked Witch to be reckoned with?

About the Author

Theolonius McTavish, an itinerant scribe in the Palace of The Quipping Queen (http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com) and the perambulating, pondering sort who has a frightful aversion to apples, Eves and anything named “Paradise”.

One of your most important jobs as a solo professional or small business owner is to generate interest in and demand for your products or services. But if you’re like many entrepreneurs, you discover finding time for marketing to be elusive. Much of what you could be doing remains undone–and without some form of marketing your business growth stalls.

To help get you untracked, here are my four marketing “musts” for small business owners. Integrate these four fundamentals and you’re sure to feel more confident going forward . . . and more able to plan a bigger “bang” for your time and efforts.

1. MAKE MARKETING YOUR MINDSET

Make marketing a subconscious element of all that you do. This doesn’t mean you should be in “hard sell” mode all the time, but it does mean you need to develop a mindset where you view every interaction with someone–planned or otherwise–by phone, by email or in-person as a marketing opportunity.

2. MAKE YOUR MARKETING SUSTAINABLE

For marketing to work, you need to be able to sustain your efforts over time. You might develop the most effective plan, but if you can’t implement that plan because it’s too costly, too complicated, or you simply don’t have the time to commit to it, then your efforts will fail.

Plan your marketing in phases. Start with low-hanging fruit. Get a couple of small victories under your belt. Note what worked, what didn’t work, what felt most “right” for you . . . and keep moving forward.

3. MAKE IT ROUTINE

Without structure or routine built around your marketing efforts, you’re likely to lose focus and get distracted–something that’s all too easy for solo professionals and the self-employed to do.

One easy way to add structure is to create an overall marketing plan that outlines for you exactly what you hope to accomplish and when. You can then supplement this with shorter-term, action-oriented “to-do” lists aimed at reaching your marketing goals.

A word of caution, however, don’t make “structure” your end-product. Consider structure only as a means to get the results you desire. This does not have to be a painful exercise–my plan and various lists usually fill only one or two pages. What’s important is that there’s always something to do . . . and that something always gets done.

You’ll also want to maintain an element of flexibility in all that you put on paper or commit to your computer screen. Create your plans and follow them knowing that from week-to-week and month-to-month your objectives can–and most likely will–change.

4. MAKE TIME

Allot time each week to pursue your marketing goals. Pull out your calendar right now and schedule an appointment with yourself. It could be an hour, two hours or three–whatever you need to keep moving forward. It could be the same day each week, it could be different days. Whatever you choose, honor this commitment of time. Make it sacred.

MAKE MARKETING MORE AUTOMATIC
Remember, marketing doesn’t happen in a vacuum, nor is it automatic. You have to tell people why they should want to buy your product or service–and then tell them again.

Only once you’ve adopted a marketing mindset and are willing to commit the time and energy necessary to sustain your marketing efforts–only then will your marketing become more automatic, more natural . . . and more successful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Matt McGovern combines a rare blend of creative and technical know-how with years of experience and a balanced and purposeful approach to life. He has authored and edited numerous books, e-books and e-zines. Get “Know-How” his free e-newsletter at www.700acres.com/pages/ad_archive.html or explore life, death and beyond with his novel, “CURRENTS-Every Life Leaves an Imprint” at www.MattMcGovern.com/books.html.

Laughter may or may not be a shock, relieved, but its’ therapeutic effects are recognised in most cultures. It allows a positive distractive moment or moments.
When things are tough, rough, overbearing or endless, a quick laugh can help to transcend an obsessive reality.

Where could the harm lie?

Where the outcome is refreshment, where is the loss? A few moments of production lost to relaxation, perhaps, couldn’t be considered a waste.

When a busy life is led, how could such a short reprieve be such a long loss?

It is an area of philosophy for those who like to compartmentalise, and an area of spiritualism, such is its’ power, to some who don’t need to put it anywhere.

Children are encouraged to participate in laughter, by adults, who often forget the reason for it. Why is it encouraged, if unnecessary? Perhaps it is a social tool and a tool to project hope. Hope, which is spiritualism, must go some way in forgetting the immediate, and sometimes the immediate, needs to be forgotten.

It is probably true that most people obsess, almost to the point of mental paralysis, with no major benefits. Obsession and focus can get many things accomplished, and also leave many things forgotten or overlooked. Multi-directional focus and the impartiality needed to do it, cannot be done by everyone, and is therefore too much effort for too little return.

A moment to refresh and relax is generally put into boxes such as meditation, and the disciplines that bring it. A grown man with a “macho” background wouldn’t (his reasons are many) or couldn’t be seen to participate in Yoga, for example only, but can easily interact with the cross-platform of generally accepted, “laughter”.

A relatively difficult physical position is not necessary for temporary mental migration, and indeed, a particular type of costume designed to facilitate physical positions can be left to those who are comfortable with such costumes.

So, while disciplines are of great benefit, mentally and physically, they don’t embrace all, as all can’t easily be embraced.

As children are encouraged to forget the enormity of the moment, who is going to look out for the rest of us? The moments can still be enormous, and some will say that the best days of your life is when you are young. There is more to consider, with age, as more appears to be present, to consider.

Still though, most grief and its’ facets, are personal. Your pain is unique, in much the same way that your “toothache” is always more painful than the stories of other peoples’ toothaches.

It probably follows then that your enormous moment is not much different than the moments of another, except it is more personal. The point of that is while someone else can be told to cheer up, so can you, and you can tell yourself.

“You either have to know this, or use something that will bring the same results”.

“A sense of humour is a sense of spiritualism, or a sense to achieve it”.

Humour is more universally social and less universally personal than negative emotions. Indeed, it a morale booster with known value in production, and the only thing of value in a predominately negative situation.

About the Author

Seamus Dolly is at www.CountControl.com

A little history on the Comic Strip.

Elements of the comic strip form can be found in antiquity, where Vergil in the Aeneid describes a tapestry that retraces the events of the Trojan War. The Bayeux tapestry, from the Middle Ages, retraces the hostilities leading to the Battle of Hastings. Narrative strips, usually in the form of woodcuts, became a popular medium for the expression of religious and political ideas during the Reformation. Although these were not representative of today’s comic strip, they did tell a story in a simple form.

The immediate ancestor of the newspaper comic strip was the cartoon, especially popular in the late 19th cent. In the 18th and early 19th cent., the cartoons of William Hogarth and Thomas Rowlandson regularly included balloons; continuity was utilized by Rowlandson in his Tours of Dr. Syntax (1812-21). In France, Rudolph Tpffer, a contemporary of Rowlandson, created albums of long, rambling strips.

In the late 19th cent. the strips of Christophe (Georges Colomb) were published throughout the country in pamphlet form. The first strip with a regular cast of characters was Wilhelm Busch’s Max und Moritz (1865), which appeared originally in periodicals and later as separate publications. The first British strip with a recurrent character was Ally Sloper, by Charles Ross and Marie Duval (1867-76); Tom Browne’s Weary Willie and Tired Tim reached the British public in the 1890s.

About the author:

http://www.a1-comics-4u.info/

One of your most important jobs as a solo professional or small business owner is to generate interest in and demand for your products or services. But if you’re like many entrepreneurs, you discover finding time for marketing to be elusive. Much of what you could be doing remains undone–and without some form of marketing your business growth stalls.

To help get you untracked, here are my four marketing “musts” for small business owners. Integrate these four fundamentals and you’re sure to feel more confident going forward . . . and more able to plan a bigger “bang” for your time and efforts.

1. MAKE MARKETING YOUR MINDSET

Make marketing a subconscious element of all that you do. This doesn’t mean you should be in “hard sell” mode all the time, but it does mean you need to develop a mindset where you view every interaction with someone–planned or otherwise–by phone, by email or in-person as a marketing opportunity.

2. MAKE YOUR MARKETING SUSTAINABLE

For marketing to work, you need to be able to sustain your efforts over time. You might develop the most effective plan, but if you can’t implement that plan because it’s too costly, too complicated, or you simply don’t have the time to commit to it, then your efforts will fail.

Plan your marketing in phases. Start with low-hanging fruit. Get a couple of small victories under your belt. Note what worked, what didn’t work, what felt most “right” for you . . . and keep moving forward.

3. MAKE IT ROUTINE

Without structure or routine built around your marketing efforts, you’re likely to lose focus and get distracted–something that’s all too easy for solo professionals and the self-employed to do.

One easy way to add structure is to create an overall marketing plan that outlines for you exactly what you hope to accomplish and when. You can then supplement this with shorter-term, action-oriented “to-do” lists aimed at reaching your marketing goals.

A word of caution, however, don’t make “structure” your end-product. Consider structure only as a means to get the results you desire. This does not have to be a painful exercise–my plan and various lists usually fill only one or two pages. What’s important is that there’s always something to do . . . and that something always gets done.

You’ll also want to maintain an element of flexibility in all that you put on paper or commit to your computer screen. Create your plans and follow them knowing that from week-to-week and month-to-month your objectives can–and most likely will–change.

4. MAKE TIME

Allot time each week to pursue your marketing goals. Pull out your calendar right now and schedule an appointment with yourself. It could be an hour, two hours or three–whatever you need to keep moving forward. It could be the same day each week, it could be different days. Whatever you choose, honor this commitment of time. Make it sacred.

MAKE MARKETING MORE AUTOMATIC
Remember, marketing doesn’t happen in a vacuum, nor is it automatic. You have to tell people why they should want to buy your product or service–and then tell them again.

Only once you’ve adopted a marketing mindset and are willing to commit the time and energy necessary to sustain your marketing efforts–only then will your marketing become more automatic, more natural . . . and more successful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Matt McGovern combines a rare blend of creative and technical know-how with years of experience and a balanced and purposeful approach to life. He has authored and edited numerous books, e-books and e-zines. Get “Know-How” his free e-newsletter at www.700acres.com/pages/ad_archive.html or explore life, death and beyond with his novel, “CURRENTS-Every Life Leaves an Imprint” at www.MattMcGovern.com/books.html.

3 Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices
by Tim Ward

I have heard the rumblings of many of you in
Readerland about the recent spike in
gasoline prices. In fact it’s all I seem to
hear about lately. But at least it keeps you
from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns
and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to
try to help you get through this crisis by
generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising
Gas Prices!

1. Don’t Drive Your Car

This is, of course, the most obvious solution.
If you never take the old Plymouth out the
driveway, then it won’t matter that at current
gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon
gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles
to the gallon. If you never drive, you could
care less.

Of course, I know what you’re going to say. “But
Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And
the kids have school and soccer practice. And
then there’s grocery shopping and yoga lesssons
and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah
and….” Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can
sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles
and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore
photos like me. I fully understand that some of
you have a life. But just because you don’t drive
your own car doesn’t mean you can’t get around.
The answer?

2. Carpool

It’s seems so simple now doesn’t it. Instead of
using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else
pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to
school. Make someone else dip into their retirement
fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to
get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone
else get a second job so that they can have a full
tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs
to cruise the mall. It’s so simple.

Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that
everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool
situation you would eventually be required to use
your car and spend your money driving others around.
But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is
a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you
avoid using your own car by making it so that the other
carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120
degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by:

(a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it
looking and smelling like the county landfill.

(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting
in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of
candy so he/she is always superhyper.

(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your
spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails,
chest hair, etc.

(d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud!

You shouldn’t have to worry about anyone wanting to
ride with you ever again.

3. Ride the Bus/Subway

Many cities have a mass transit system that is an
alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live
in a city that doesn’t have one don’t worry-you can
always move. Of course, riding public transportation
does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily
overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:

1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact
with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for
someone to mug you.

2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat
to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken
as an invitation to mug you.

3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up
a conversation with the person sitting next or across
from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an
invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone
to talk back.

4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the
right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to
immediate mugging.

5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation.
Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite
mug victim material.

Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices.
Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep
from spending twice your car’s Blue Book value just going
to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling
and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to
just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer
concerns you. Hopefully, I’ve once more helped my loyal readers
in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple
thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we’re not on
the bus. I’d hate to have to mug you…

About the Author

Timothy Ward publishes the Ward Wide Webzine, a publication that refuses to bring you anything but the best articles and internet marketing tips. it is also slam-packed with humor and laughs. Subscribers are expected to interact through contest and submissions. To subscribe now visit:
http://www.wardwidewebzine.goduck.net

We need more diversity.

More!

I was watching the television news and the newscaster’s name was Muk Luck Yoing Yang Bieu. I think he is a first generation son of a Pakistani guy.

That’s fine. We need more different kinds of ethnic people in responsible positions to reflect the ever changing polyglot nature of America… the so-called melting pot.

But we can do better.

I have a suggestion.

For a period of one year, we change jobs. Everybody change jobs.

All black athletes leave their jobs as athletes. And become lawyers. All the white guys who are now lawyers, become athletes.

I know I could get in real trouble for suggesting this, if I had a boss over me on this column. Jimmy the Greek was fired by the TV network years ago for not being politically correct, because he said (over the air) that black athletes were better than white. Even though that’s true, he was fired.

But I don’t have a boss. Naaa-naa-naaah-naaaa-naaa-naaaaaaaa!

Black Americans are over-represented in sports, and under represented in the courtroom as (barristers) lawyers. Think of it, steroid built huge black men jammed into suits and ties, arguing unpersuasively for their clients (it takes time for anybody to learn, including me).

Meanwhile, small sized white guys, former lawyers, would be stumbling across a football field, fumbling, missing field goals, tripping each other, falling down for no reason. What fun! It would open the game wide up, make it more exciting.

The kind of sport where anything can happen.

Okay. If the game was really really bad, we could give the ex-lawyers steroids. Just contact the commissioner of baseball for a supply, or call 1-800-Barry Bonds.

Why am I suggesting this you might ask? Isn’t this a crazy scheme, you might think? Try to understand. When a person stretches his horizon by stepping outside his comfort zone, he grows in stature.

We mandate many other kinds of behavior. Why not this?

There could be huge potential benefits. For example, almost all social work today is done by women. All women currently in social work, would leave those positions, and turn them over exclusively to selfish, egotistical young blonde guys named “Lance.”

When you came in to apply for government-provided benefits, that sonofabitch Lance would piss you off so much, be such an arrogant bastard, you’d storm out of the office. You’d be determined to make it on your own, and prove him wrong, rub his nose in it.

We could cut the cost of government benefits in half.

Here’s another possibility. All congressmen and women would leave their posts, and the positions would be filled by honest people….if they can be found.

All corporate executives would give their jobs up to Latino farm laborers, and take up those jobs picking in the fields. This would teach them (executives) what actual hard work is like.
Executive

All East Indians would abandon their positions as hotel and motel owners. This is strictly a personal request. I’d just like once to walk into a hotel lobby and not see chutney cooking on a hot plate…..a small, demure woman in a robe with a ruby between her eyes behind the counter.

I love East Indians, and chutney, and Bombay. Does that make me a racist?

I want to see people open up to new possibilities, that’s all.

I’ll tell you what. If the others give up their jobs, I’ll give up this column, and take up farming.

But I’ll warn ya.’ You’ll have less vegetables available in the store.

John Sammon is the author of two books and writes a weekly humor column you may access at http://www.Sammonsays.com

There comes daily in the life of an old man who has retired and is continually in the presence of his wife-instead of at work where he belongs-the challenge to answer her questions. Remember, old people forget easily so that is to our advantage.

Questions come in many forms and at odd times. It can drive a man crazy trying to think of a short wife-shoo-away answer on the spot. It’s better to be prepared with some stock answers.

Also, a man needs some extracurricular activities to keep him out of the house as much as possible. I for example have two horses. I can always tell my wife I’m going out to check on them. One is north of town and the other is south of town so I can go any direction I want to.

As some of you know, these horses were given to me by my friends. They feed the horses, clean the stall, pay the vet bills, exercise them and groom them or whatever else a horse needs. I just want to say I have a horse. They agreed to this so for all worthy-excuse purposes, I have horses. My grandkids like to go out and see my horses.

I’m in the process of building my herd to five critters. I told me wife this so I can always say, “I’m going to see a man about a horse.”

Here are some stock answers to give your wife:

Answer: I agree with you. Go ahead and do whatever you decided.

Answer: Nope. Did you write it down?

Answer: Yes, I think you did that.

Answer: Go ahead and send it. It won’t hurt if he (or she) gets two cards (presents, invitations).

Answer: I’m just kidding (joshing).

Answer: That may be the way it plays out.

Answer: Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Answer: You always look gorgeous to me.

Answer: It’s only money.

Answer: Sure I want to go with you. Right now?

Answer: No I never heard that choice tidbit.

Answer: She (or he) did!

Answer: I’ll be with you in a minute.

Answer: Yes that is a lovely bird (flower, tree).

Answer: I’ll have to look that up for you on Google or Ask.

Answer: Some people just have everything.

Answer: It could well rain (snow, hail, sleet) today.

Answer: I’ll get right on it tomorrow.

Answer: Oh, sorry! Today (tomorrow, that) is my fishing (hunting, golfing, kayaking, archery) day.

Answer: We can do that as soon as my treasure ship (Brinks truck) docks.

Answer: Yes, I still love you and I always will.

Answer: No, if anything it makes you look much thinner.

Answer: You look good in any color, especially (red, green, blue, mauve, burgundy, chartreuse, yellow, polka dots, stripes).

Answer: Sure we can go out. How about lunch (breakfast)? Would you like Mexican (Chinese, the Golden Coral), or we could go to that expensive place if you want a less expensive birthday present.

Answer: You want to go on a cruise? Great! Me too! Now which line had a pandemic (fire, murder, pirates)?

And remember that if you take my advice and start building a herd of horses you will always be able to say, “I’m going to see a man about a horse.”

Funny Answers Kids Gave on Science Tests

To see some funny answers that kids gave on science test go to http://www.bedavaingilizce.com/reading/funny_answers.htm

For example:

Most houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

Christ’s main followers were the twelve opossums.

The general direction to the Alps is straight up.

H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

Funny Answers from Family Fortunes (England):

Family Fortunes is called Family Feud in our country. To see funny answers go to
http://www.funny.co.uk/stuff/art_172-1271-Family-Fortunes-Funny-Answers.html

Here are some examples:

Name an occupation where you need a torch.

A burglar!

Name a dangerous race.

The Arabs!

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers.

A horse!

Name something that floats in the bath.

Water!

John T. Jones, Ph.D. (tjbooks@hotmail.com, a retired VP of R&D for Lenox China, is author of detective & western novels, nonfiction (business, scientific, engineering, humor), poetry, etc. Former editor of Ceramic Industry Magazine. He is Executive Representative of IWS sellers of Tyler Hicks wealth-success books and kits. He also sells TopFlight flagpoles. He calls himself “Taylor Jones, the hack writer.”

More info: http://www.tjbooks.com

Business web site: http://www.aaaflagpoles.com

HARRISBURG, Pa.-In what is sure to be the biggest courtroom clash since the last one, a class action suit had been filed in federal court against the Dover Area School Board for not allowing the teaching of Intelligent Design in school science classes. The twist? This time, it’s the monkeys themselves bringing the suit.

In a startling and unprecedented move, several Bornean Orangutans from the Pittsburgh zoo have sued the school district, insisting that Intelligent Design not only be taught in science classes but the theory of evolution be stricken from textbooks

These Orangutans, or Pongo pygmaeus, are offended by the idea that they are related to people, and think Intelligent Design is the best alternative out there.

One of the plaintiffs, Cuddles, explained her position through a sign language interpreter: “That apes and humans descended from a common ancestor is just a disgusting thought. I’m appalled, frankly. I mean, look at you. Massive poverty, genocide, suffering, violence. Look how you treat your kind. People are horrible, horrible creatures.”

She continued, “Have you seen some of the porn on your internet? I can’t believe humans pee on each other. And don’t get me started on the Tuesday night lineup on ABC. Only true barbarians would keep According to Jim on the air. That I’m related to people in any way should be rejected on face value, let alone be taught in science classes.”

The details of the apes’ replacement theory are still ambiguous. One version of Intelligent Design posits elements of nature are so complex that they must have been created by a higher force. Among some of the more controversial elements of the ape theory include the idea that this “intelligent designer” of the entire universe is actually a 50 foot tall super smart ape similar to King Kong.

Attorneys representing the school board have questioned the true motives of the apes. In a written statement, school board lawyers claimed the suit was just a cheap parlor trick to manipulate the public and avoid the fact that humans and apes are related through evolution.

But the primates remain undeterred. Bubba, another plaintiff in the suit, has similar thoughts- “Man did not come from apes. Gorillas, bonobos, chimpanzees, gibbons, we’re all united. I mean, have you seen the contestants on American Idol? Ugh. You humans are just awful. Unlike evolution, Intelligent Design makes the case we’re not associated with you at all!”

A U.S. Supreme Court ruling in 1987 decried schools could not require creationism to balance the teaching of evolution. This new lawsuit brought on by the apes may eventually make it up to the conservative justices recently appointed by president George W. Bush. As a result the ruling may be different.

Bush even weighed in on the teaching of the possibility that a super intelligent, furry orangutan created the universe. “I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought,” Bush said. “You’re asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes.”

Fwips News Service

http://www.fwips.com

Fwips News Service is America’s source for fake news, commentary and humor from the heart of the Rocky Mountains. Award-winning, hard-hitting and fiercely original comedy from the Mile High City. Visit us if you prefer to receive knowledge and enlightenment without the normal work involved!

We view the world from a slightly off-kilter cosmic prism glass, and that suits us just fine. We’re Newsweek on crack, USA Today on Prozac, The New York Times as written by Larry David’s slightly medicated cousin.

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Marianne was twelve and her brother, Manfred, was four growing up in 1947 Germany. Getting all dressed up for a nice dinner in a restaurant with friends, Manfred looked cute in his tan and white vertically striped short sleeved shirt and matching short pants. A Bavarian feathered hat sat jauntily on his head. Needing a few more minutes to get ready, his mother sent him to wait outside on the step for a few minutes. Manfred happily hopped outside in the sun and they closed the door. One minute later, Manfred knocked to get in. He stood there dripping from head to toe in black, gooey mud! It seems there were these two boards covering a large mud puddle just waiting for someone to jump as high as they could and come down on the pivot, creating enough muddy water to keep ten pigs happy.

A call for Manfred to dinner usually got answered from a height. He loved to climb trees, shredding his cotton shorts to resemble a beribboned skirt. The standard question, “Did you wash your hands?” prompted Manfred to approach the dribble of water with two extended fingers, dabbing daintily at his cheeks, all the while grumbling to himself that whoever invented washing should be punished. At the dinner table, Manfred’s sudden jerks and wiggles alerted his mother to the fact that Manfred liked to collect small animals. A demand for him to empty his pockets revealed nails, stones, bits of paper, crickets, and even a salamander. It was this pet of the lizard kingdom that caused the tickles and squirming at the table. Wringing every bit of use out of the salamander, Manfred gleefully poked it in his sister’s face making unlikely lizard noises. This demonstration was met with satisfying screams and overturned chairs.

On another occasion, Marianne was ordered to take Manfred with her to the movies. A previous experience caused her to make sure he didn’t have to go to the bathroom before they left. Manfred insisted that he was fine and didn’t have to go. Halfway through the movie, ‘Gaslight’, at the scariest part, Manfred whispered that he had to go. The rest rooms were located far at the other end of the building so Marianne ordered him to hold it until the end of the movie. This was not to be when suddenly Manfred shuddered in a high voice and warbled for everyone to hear, “Now it’s in my pants!” It was many years until Marianne finally saw the end of ‘Gaslight’.

Retired portrait photographer. Comments wanted.